We had the weekend from hell last week. My longtime friend Fester came down from Napa to scatter her fathers ashes on the bay. She was going to bring the ashes of another friend who had requested to be scattered near the ballpark, but she couldn't find him in her messy home. Having guests on board means that you are ultimately responsible for their welfare. There are lessons here.

Fester arrived early and waited for some time at the wrong marina before she thought to call. Poor old Fester believes she is still a flower child of the 60's. She is also very crippled with knee pain and is hoping to have surgery, but she still has some meniscus around the joint and so her health care provider doesn't want to do the procedure until it's all gone and she is walking bone on bone. She walks with a cane and I was doubtful that she could even get on board the boat. Did I mention that she is very, very slow moving?

Handicapped persons need to be informed of the hazards of boating. Fester came from a boating family and she assured me that she was capable. However, she didn't tell me that she wore an appliance at night that required electricity. She kept saying that it was no problem; she could do without, but then asked again where she could plug in.

Amazingly, she was able to get on board from the swim platform and plopped down immediately in the saloon, never to move again. Her stuff was spread out all over the cabin. She couldn't get down the stairs to the bathroom so we had to set up a bucket in the cockpit. SHE DIDN'T EVEN EMPTY IT!

We headed toward Fisherman's wharf to take on fuel before venturing out to the main part of the bay to scatter the ashes of her father. The bay was incredibly rough, with a strong ebb tide running under the afternoon westerly wind. Because Fester couldn't get up the ladder to the flying bridge, I stayed below with her. She was stretched out in one of the recliners, which was sliding back and forth across the cabin with each roll of the boat. (That little problem will definitely have to be addressed before we leave for the Delta next month!) It didn't seem to faze her in the least, although her feet and arms were waving about like a banshee. It wasn't time to get out the PFD's but she would have been difficult to get off the boat, had it been necessary. Although the bay was really snotty, she requested another coke and some tissue, and at least she said "please."

I catered to her and waited on her all weekend. When it came time to make up her bed, she wanted sheets and the blankets turned fuzzy side up "no, not that one, the other one" "Can you get me another blanket? Is the heater on? Where are my pills? Where are my glasses," add infinitum. She moaned and groaned loudly every time she shifted position. It was like having a cow in the cabin. We were unable to get past her because she was spread out EVERYWHERE! Kleenex, food wrappers, what-have-you because she never even asked where the garbage can was. What a horrible guest!

I should have defined boundaries, especially because the boat is our home, but any guest needs to know where to stow their belongings, the rules of the ship and the basics for an emergency drill.

She decided that she wasn't ready to let go of her father, so the poor guy stayed in his box. Early Sunday morning, eager to rid ourselves of this evil intruder, we pulled up the anchor. Fester was still sleeping and never noticed that we were underway. We saw some friends in the anchorage and circled around them honking the horn, Fester was still sleeping. At least with her snoring down below I could ride up top with Sweetie and enjoy the trip back. We rode all the way back to South City and old Fester never woke up until 2:00pm. All I can say is that she must have been very tired.

Fester says she had a wonderful time and can't wait to come back. She is gone but the memory lingers on. It will be a very long time before we invite overnight guests again. We had 12 people on board in July and it wasn't nearly as painful.

The irony of this story is; I had a doctor's appointment on the following Tuesday for follow up on some surgery I had on my hand. It's doing fine, but while I was there, I mentioned that my knee was hurting. They took x-rays and found that all the meniscus was gone and I'm walking bone on bone. The doctor asked if I wanted a cane or to schedule surgery. I only laughed and shook my head in disbelief.

My mom always says; "Guests, like fish, stink after a few days."